Nothing for Thanks

November 21, my lines for the role of Thing Who Must Do the Shopping begin with,

Me: Look at this fucking list. Gluten-free pie crust? Are you fucking serious? … goddamn Whole Foods, then, I guess … look at this parking … shit … evil capitalist monster disguised as a hippie co-op … on principle I’m only getting one thing here.

Then the scene where I park two blocks away and march toward Whole Foods, through the doors, into the bakery.

Me: Excuse me, do you have (mumbles) gluten-free pie crust?

Bakery Clerk: Yes. Here. Have a good one!

Me: Uh, you too. (under breath:) Poor stooge. Hope they pay you enough to keep the lights on. Off to goddamn Gelson’s, now … goddamn Gelson’s, I know, I know! But it’s not quite as expensive as Whole Paycheck, and it’s not (shudders) Ralphs. At least there’s fewer children screaming in Spanish at Gelson’s …

In the Gelson’s parking lot, my big scene with the disoriented old woman, her purse upended on the hood of a Mercedes, clutching keys, holding them out to me:

Old Lady: Do you drive a Toyota?

Me: Uh …

Old Lady: Can you get this car open? It’s a rental and I don’t know how to get in.

Me: Ma’am, this car appears to be a Mercedes.

Old Lady: Well, it’s gray!

Me: Yes, it is. There’s a gray Toyota right here, is that yours?

Old Lady: Well, does that key open the door?

Me: Let’s see. Yes, it does.

Old Lady: I knew you’d help me out!

Me: Happy Thanksgiving.

Old Lady: What?

Me: Happy holidays.

Old Lady: That’s not what you said.

Me: Happy Thanksgiving.

Old Lady: Happy What?

Me: It’s Thanksgiving tomorrow.

Old Lady: I know! Isn’t this traffic ridiculous?

Me: Yes, ma’am.

Next, my dramatic interaction with the Gelson’s staff:

Me (angrily, already defeated): Do you have (various items)?

Every Gelson’s Employee (politely, cheerfully): Yes! Here you go.

Me: Uh, thank you. (under breath) How much for a steak? Seriously? What did you feed the cow, fucking platinum? Jesus, goddamn Von’s, now, I guess … is that old lady still out here? Nope, she made it out of the lot … I probably should have taken her keys away. She kills somebody on Washington, it’s my fault … light’s green, motherfucker, let’s GO.

It’s all been building to the heartfelt moment when I walk up to Von’s:

Bum: Hey man, you got a dollar?

Me: Buddy, I got nothing.

Bum: Okay.

Me: Alright, here’s a dollar.

Bum: Hey, thanks.

Me: You’re welcome.

Salvation Army Homeless Drunk with a Bell and a Red Pot: God bless you.

Me: Yeah. Here.

Salvation Army Homeless Drunk with a Bell and a Red Pot: God bless you.

Me: I still have to go to work.

Then, my poignant closing monologue on the drive home:

Me: Gotta put all these fucking groceries away … not gonna be any room in the vegetable bin for those string beans … do I have time to go to the bank?

my review of SeaGlass Theatre’s A Christmas Twist

Filed Under: Featuredjason rohrerPonderings


Jason Rohrer About the Author: Jason Rohrer was educated in California, New York, Russia and Bulgaria. He reviews film and performing arts for, contributes to American Theatre Magazine, and co-hosts the podcast Jason and Todd Talk through Lousy Films. He tweets as @RohrerVacui.

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  1. Tracey Paleo says:

    There must be an app for that somewhere…lol